Heaviest Element discovered

A major reasearch institute has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “governmentium” governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic number of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a half life of 4 years: it does not decay, instead it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is refered to a “critical morass”. When catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has one half as many peons but twice as many morons.

The next article will deal with the ultimate question of “life the universe and everything” the answer may or may not be 42.