“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”—Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”—Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”—Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”—Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”—Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”—Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”—Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”—Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”—Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”—Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”—Groucho Marx


Saying of the day

1. It is OK to have nothing to say as long as you don’t insist on saying it

2. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it

3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but it is still on my list

4. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until

you hear them speak

5. If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong

6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public

7. War does not determind who is right-only who is left

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many            is research

9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit,

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

10. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

11. In filling out an application, where it says, “incase of emergency, Notify: I put a Doctor

12. You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need parachute to skydive twice

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I am not so sure?

Heaviest Element discovered

A major reasearch institute has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “governmentium” governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic number of 311.
These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a half life of 4 years: it does not decay, instead it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is refered to a “critical morass”. When catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has one half as many peons but twice as many morons.

The next article will deal with the ultimate question of “life the universe and everything” the answer may or may not be 42.